Tag Archives: Wife

My Big Plan – Part 1

7 Nov

I have a plan. That’s right I have been thinking about it for a while and have finally decided to put it out there. If I tell all kinds of random people I’m going to do it I simply have to follow through.

This needing a plan business came from the recognition that I am not being the best parent or wife that I can be. Not even the best friend I can be for that matter. In fact the friend thing is kind of a center to the other two. In the past couple years I have started to see the flaws in my friendship skills and have thought about them and made an effort here and there to be better at it but it’s time I try harder, try all the way.

Laying in bed awake is a part of my usual routine. I lay there and quite often think of things I might like to blog about, I’m really excited about it at the time and think I’m going to be all gung-ho the next morning. But I’m not, I wake up and look at all the things I need to get done and the kids need my attention through the day (a part of the plan is giving it to them) so I never get to the actual writing part. So when I sat down today I decided that rather then trying to organize my whole thought process and the plan in one post I would break it up. This post being the explanation of where this while plan thing has come from (see what I have been writing thus far) and the first part of said plan. PLAN PLAN PLAN. I’m going to be saying it a lot more so get used to it.

Part 1

The reality is I can’t just be a better friend/wife/parent like POOF. I could probably fake it for a while but what good is that really? I think what I need to do is be a better me first. I have a feeling the rest will kind of fall into place a bit more easily if I’m, you know, a good PERSON to start the whole process.

So my first step is to forgive and accept MYSELF. Right now this sounds really self absorbed to me…that might be something I need to work on.

Problem : I tend to be pretty hard on myself. I have pretty high expectations and I rarely live up to them, let alone exceed. And truthfully I prefer to exceed. I have a picture of the friend/wife/parent I would like to be and each time I miss the mark I get frustrated. Mad at myself ultimately. This often makes me want to give up and I spiral a little bit. A common issue for me is keeping my house clean. I really don’t mind house work I just struggle to keep myself motivated and moving forward with it, especially with the constant kid interruptions. And then I plan on doing it while the kids are sleeping or busy with their Dad or something but then I find myself wanting to indulge in those moments and just shut down for a while. I think being a good wife involves keeping up the house, being a good parent means keeping the house clean for my babies and I am not too comfortable having friends over when the house is a mess so it’s a part of the friend thing for me too. I start out with good intentions. I make plans and lists. Then something gets me off course. I don’t get things done the way I want to and I get annoyed. Then I procrastinate because the job keeps growing and I don’t want to deal with it. After a while I get overwhelmed and feel that I can’t handle it on my own at all. At this point is often where I start telling myself that I don’t even care about the mess and it’s just a part of life and blah blah blah. The truth though, is that it makes me crazy and I really just need to get on it and keep up with the place. I mean it’s not that hard.

I have a habit of being quite selfish. With friends I see it each time I cut them off or turn the focus of just about any conversation into something about me. I try to convince myself that I am just relating but I’m pretty sure I’m just being selfish. With Scott I expect much more from him in our relationship than I expect of myself. Selfish. I feel that he should be thinking of me and how his actions impact me at all times. But I don’t really think that way about him. I go on my own way and just assume he will follow along with whatever choices I make and I really am surprised each time he doesn’t just agree with me. With the kids I have a big problem with myself. I hate that I do it but quite often when I am trying to do something and they want my attention I tend to feel annoyed. I’m mad and tell them to leave me alone while I do whatever it is. Lately I have tried harder to take a step back and recognize that whatever I am doing can probably wait and that what they need from me is to be in tune and responsive to their needs.

Goal as far as friendships are concerned: Be a better listener. Really focus on the person while they speak and empathize without constantly talking over them. I really want to be the friend that people think of when they need someone to talk to. Someone they feel they can really open up to and feel safe with. I want to be a loving and thoughtful person. I would also like to be fun, hilarious, give the best advice and have an awesome sense of fashion but I am going for realistic in this plan.

Goal in the wife category: Give as much as or even more than I expect. I keep wanting from him but I give him no reason to try aside from my demands. For all the things I ask of them I need to be accountable myself. Each time I am mad because I haven’t heard from him when he’s late I should stop and realize he is probably busy and I can easily loose track of time so I should allow him the courtesy of recognizing that he can do it too. Each time I am annoyed that he hasn’t put more effort into helping me around the house I must see that I am mostly mad at myself for not trying harder and cut him some slack because he’s exhausted too. Most importantly when I feel that he is not putting the effort into the relationship I would like him too I need to be finding a way to contribute in a way that is meaningful to him. Communication and the sharing of thoughts and feelings is how I feel connected. He is not me. He has is own way of feeling connected, and since I have spent the past nearly 8 years focused mostly on myself I don’t really know what that is but I will figure it out.

Goal with my kidlets : Give them what they need from me without resenting it. Show them I love them not only when I say it or hug them because I am feeling it in that moment but by being loving with them even when I wanted to be focusing on something else. I need to let them feel how important they are by putting their needs above the silly little tasks I perform on a regular basis.

Ultimately to accomplish these things I need to stop thinking I am a failure for not already doing them. Not be mad at myself each time I get mad. Forgive myself for the mistakes I have made and really use them as a learning experience, not just tell myself that I will. After I have my little fit I will look back at the situation and seek out better ways for me to handle it. I aim to spend more time in the moment and less worrying about the next step. I want to enjoy each day, with all the good and bad that comes.

I can so do this.

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