Tag Archives: Son

My Son

5 Jan

When I first started this I wrote a post about how Logan has changed me. In the post I said I would someday write a post all about him. Who he is as a person. I think about it all the time, but I can’t seem to pinpoint just who he is. He’s growing and changing all the time. Like we all do, and I don’t think I can accurately portray who he is in a post, I think if I tried I could never do him justice.

What I can do is try to describe some of his current qualities, how I see them. The world, I’m sure, sees him differently than I do. To me he is absolutely perfect.

Right now he is energetic and inquisitive. He loves to learn and is, for the most part, willing to explore. He still has reservations, which I like about him.

He is affectionate and considerate. He willingly apologizes when he’s made a mistake. In fact I believe he is genuinely saddened when he believes he has upset someone. Often repeating “I’m so sorry” while backing away from the spilled milk, the broken Christmas ornament , or his crying sister. He loves to share his love and is super cuddly.

He loves to laugh. He is very quick witted, and at times quick tempered. He will tell you what he thinks, and he will tell you when you’re wrong.

He loves his family and his friends. He loves to talk to them and about them. He loves to create stories and share them with an audience. He can be a bit of a ham.

He is learning and growing in leaps and bounds. Just when I think I have a handle on where he’s at in a flash he’s jumping into a new phase.

He is my boy. My light. My life. I love him more all the time. Am simultaneously excited and saddened at the thought of him growing up. And I am infinitely thankful that he is my son.

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What I Never Wanted

29 Jun

While I was pregnant with Logan and taking prenatal classes and reading all the books and magazines I of course thought about birthing options. I concluded that my preference would be as all natural as possible. I didn’t want any drugs or assistance. I conceded that there may come a time in my labour where I would no longer be able to handle the pain and may then choose to have some pain relief but didn’t go into it planning for it. I considered that I may need to be induced and I was ok with that if it needed to happen. One thing that never even crossed my mind was that I may need a c section. For some reason it did not feel like a possibility and so I put no thought or emotional preparation into such an outcome.

After having been in induced labour for 12+ hours the doctors statement that we should proceed with a c-section did not hit me as hard as it may have had I been in my right mind. I was tired and his decisive statement that we would be there for a week with me stuck at 4 cm if we did nothing essentially made my mind up for me. Alright let’s do it, I want my baby. It was scary, and the operating room was cold. I shivered perched on the edge of the operating table while the nurses prepped whatever it is they had to prep. Scott couldn’t come in until I was strapped down, I felt very alone and I couldn’t feel the lower half of my body so I constantly felt like I was about to tip off the edge. Am I sitting on my IV line? What happens if I fall? What if I fall on my belly will the baby be OK? Why aren’t the nurses putting me somewhere that won’t make me feel so scared? It probably felt a lot longer than it really was. The surgery itself wasn’t too bad. I was delirious from the long day and various chemicals meant to make me feel better. A couple of shots of nubain followed by an epidural which only worked on one side of my body. Then when the decision for surgery came the ineffective epidural line was removed, along with all that tape that was holding it on, OUCH! And I was given a spinal block. Once he was out and checked over they wrapped him up and held him on my chest for a minute so I could see him. My arms were still tied down so I wasn’t able to touch him yet. They handed him to Scott and ushered them both out the door while they closed up.

Once in my hospital room and awake the reality of the surgery hit me. Like a shot to the gut. I was in immense pain, I couldn’t sit up, it hurt to laugh I thought I would die when I sneezed. The hormones and the chemicals had me on the biggest emotional ride of my life. By the time I was deemed fit to leave the hospital I still slowly wobbled while I walked, hunched over and clutching a pillow to my middle. It felt like all the skin and such on the front of my body would fall off if I didn’t hold it tight to me, but any pressure anywhere near the incision sight was very painful. I couldn’t sleep on my stomach, and when I slept on my side I had to hold my now empty but not small tummy up with a pillow. It was awful, and I had this little person depending on me for survival.

Pregnant again, I was very excited for another baby. I fully intended to do everything I possibly could to avoid another c section. How would I manage a baby and a toddler after that? We can’t induce you, having had a c section previously it’s too risky. What? Dr. Bos informs me that unless I go into labour on my own another c section is the most likely outcome. I didn’t labour on my own the first time, but I wasn’t in a hurry then. If I will it, it will be. Right? I thought if I wanted it badly enough I could make it happen. I walked around, carried Logan everywhere perched on my belly. Ate the weird foods, and thought really hard about going into labour. Found lots of articles stating there is no reason women have to have a repeat c section and how doctors tend to push for a lot of medical intervention when it is not necessary. I pleaded with my doctor. I really, REALLY don’t want to go through that again. He gave me a week after my due date, that’s how long I had to get myself to labour before he would go in and take her himself.

All my willing and wishing did nothing for me and the night before the surgery I paced around the house crying knowing what lay ahead. I looked down at Logan sleeping and feared how useless I was going to be to him. I wouldn’t be able to lift him, to pick up and cuddle him when he was sad. He would need me and I would be weak and unable to help him. The morning of the surgery in the recovery area with Scott and Logan waiting for the doctor to arrive and every time I looked at Logan my eyes would fill with tears. How could I be so selfish? I wanted another baby and didn’t put enough thought into what that would mean for this little boy. I didn’t want him to see me cry, I wanted him to believe that everything would be ok. Again surgery went easily enough, much better this time than the first and it was over quickly. They undid the straps this time and I got to hold Bella, the love that seemed to be seeping from my pores because there wasn’t enough room in my body eased my fear and I trusted that we would all be alright. Immediately following this surgery I was sitting up and talking. Totally awake and excited to be with my new four person family. As the meds wore off it changed though. I was sore, and those feelings of self-doubt started to creep back in. When we got home the first few days were as I had feared. If Logan was sad or hurt I couldn’t lift him, he would beg me to pick him up, eyes full of tears and all I could do was slowly sit down on the floor beside him and cry with him. Holding him as tightly as I could.

Seven days after she was born I strapped them both into the double stroller and we walked all the way around the block. I had already broken the ‘no lifting anything heavier than your baby for the first six weeks’ rule. Those car seats force you to break the rule but by about the four day mark I was lifting Logan, being unable to do so was hurting me more than the physical pain. The healing was faster this time, and I pushed myself. I didn’t have the option of lying around waiting for the pain to end. Logan needed me to be up and moving around so I could care for him, so I did it.

Both times and in the months following them I resented my body for letting me down. For not being able to do what it was meant to. Why could I get pregnant and then not have my baby? Why didn’t it work right? I felt like a failure, like less of a mother and woman. I listened to other women tell their birth stories, talking about the pain and how they would never put themselves through that again. Joking that next time they would sign up for a c section because they thought it would be easier. You can pick the day and time, there’s no waiting for your labour to start or worrying you won’t have everything ready. Really? I was so mad at them for talking that way. Didn’t they know how lucky they were for being able to do what I couldn’t? My anger persisted for some time. I was very irritated anytime I heard someone complain about the pain of labour and delivery. It wasn’t fair to them of course, they went through legitimate pain and suffering to bring their babies into the world.

With time and constant reminders to myself that what mattered was that my babies were born safely I began to forgive myself. It began to occur to me that it was selfish of me to be so angry when my kids were healthy and nothing had gone wrong. What was important was that they were brought into the world, it didn’t matter how. I was doing them a disservice by being angry about the way they made it to my arms. I’m about 95% OK with it now. Every now and then it hurts a little and I wonder if we got pregnant again if my body might let me do it. Ultimately I know it would result in another c section, and now I think that’s OK. My love for my babies comes pouring out of me regardless of the journey that brings them to me. That’s more than I ever knew I wanted.

Good List

13 Jun

This is going to be an ongoing list of things that I love, that make me happy. Its not going to be in any kind of order. I will start it now and think of things later and I am not about to try to add things in where they measure up on how happy they make me.

A half asleep Logan uttering love you too when I whisper I love you late at night

Bella’s version of a kiss which involves a fully open mouth getting slobber all over my face when I ask for a kiss

The way Bella shakes and squeals in excitement when Scott gets home from work, Logan’s excited run across the house yelling Daddy’s home!

How just about every story Logan tells these days starts with , “Remember?” As in, Remember? We were at the bowling alley and I was bowling

When Bella is sitting on the couch after her bath and I go to the kitchen to get something and when I come back she has fallen onto her side passed out cold

Fresh sheets

The chocolate chip cookies Scott makes. With more butter, chocolate chips and sugar than the recipe calls for an just slightly under cooked

Glee   Cougar Town   Modern Family   The relationship between Booth and Bones on Bones

Any country song about a parents love for their children

A twinkling Christmas tree, a crackling fire and snuggling with my babies talking about how excited we are for Santa to come

The little embarrassed face Logan sometimes gets now that he can feel embarrassed

The way Bella’s face lights up when I cheer for her, when she dances or walks or chats in her baby way

The pride in Logan’s face when he realizes he can do something he couldn’t before

A fresh salsa riddled with cilantro

When Logan puts on his new sunglasses and says, “I’m a dude”

Logan puts his arm around Bella and says let me hold you. Hugs her and says I love you Lella

Logan

7 May

At some point I will probably write all about my amazing son and who he is. I think there is more to say than I know how to express on that one, and his personality and intelligence is growing and changing everyday so to write something about that would become inaccurate moments after it was written.

Here I am planning to write about how he has changed me.

While I was pregnant I was nervous like all (most) moms and knew or expected that having a baby would change my life. I mean, it’s obvious, they take over everything. I don’t think I was aware of just how much of everything that really is, but I had some awareness that my life would not be the same. Foolishly on my part I was planning on having him and getting back out to the bars to go dancing with my girlfriends hours, or maybe days, later. HA! So I was wrong on that one. What I learned is this, yes having a child changes your life. They need everything from you, and just the lack of personal time means your life is flipped over. More importantly, and much more interestingly, he changed ME. My values, my perspective, my emotional state, my outlook on people, the world and life as a whole. He flipped me right side up. Turns out I had been living upside down. All I cared about was me, how to make myself happy and what to do next with my time, my attention and my money( ha again since I had SO much money). Then he showed up and suddenly I was a mommy lioness crouching over her baby snarling and clawing at anyone or anything that approached. I’m serious, I’m not exaggerating, I had several visions of myself as a lion because all I wanted to do was hover over him and not let anyone near him. I didn’t know I was so protective, and this little man brought out my not so pretty extremely possessive and controlling traits as well.

So there I was mommy to a new baby, truly very unsure of what lay ahead and feeling very unsteady on these new never before used mom legs. But would I let ANYONE know that I felt that way? Are you kidding? I can do anything. In fact to prove I can do anything I pushed everyone away. Just a phone call from a doting grandparent or concerned other relative sent anger burning through my veins. Scott (daddy lion) was the only person who could safely approach. Alright, so in retrospect perhaps I overreacted just a smidge ( yes you may laugh). I was scared, and my defense mechanism is, well, to be defensive.

So that’s the beginning, well the first year or so. I’m a tad stubborn and I had made my no one can come near my baby, ever, for any reason bed and I was going to lay in it, dammit. But I learned, very slowly to let go in little bits here and there of my insane controlling and possessive ways. I’m still very much that way, but if you saw me then versus now you would see a great improvement I’m sure. Well, I’m fairly confident you would see some sort of positive change.

Anyway what I really wanted to get to is the good stuff that Logan brought into my world. Guess what? I’m very patient! Was I before, um NO. Could I wait for anything? Not really, all about instant gratification and immediately irritated when someone took longer to do something than I thought they should. And now there is the peace floating around me that allows me to wait and watch and see what happens with next without trying to move things along. It’s kind of nice.

I love to celebrate, no not get hammered and teeter around blabbering on about how awesome something is. Get excited about, and maybe do a little dance, when something good happens. Example? Logan started using the toilet. OMG Yes! How excited was I? We did several dances over the course of several days, we sang we laughed we clapped we jumped up and down. Because it was awesome! As if my little baby man can do this big person thing all on his own? Seriously? What better reason is there to celebrate!?

I cry over everything. This is a good thing. My emotions are so much closer to the surface now. I can really feel. I don’t really know what else to say on this one. You get it right? Sure you do.

I have a much greater appreciation for other peoples life stories and the hardships they encounter. I learned to actually BE empathetic, I understood what it meant before but I wasn’t really applying it to my interactions.

I love my husband so much more. I loved Scott to begin with, I mean I married the guy. Obviously I had some sense that he was like important to me or something…I’m laughing here not being (insert negative word). In learning to appreciate his life and who he is, in being empathetic and with my emotions at a level where I could detect their existence on a regular basis I LOVE him. I wasn’t the most emotionally available person before in case that’s not already obvious. I was pretty closed off, and I still can be, it’s an on going learning process. I can say with certainty on this one though I am in a much more positive place now compared to where I was before Logan. I have learned that making myself vulnerable is a good thing, letting my soft side show isn’t as terrifying as I had assumed. I”m not sure why I had assumed it was so dangerous to being with. OK. That’s a lie I do know why I was so closed off but that is a whole other post that I don’t even know I will write .

So, in short, my gorgeous, amazing, and wonderful son taught me how to be a genuine, caring and affectionate human being. And all he did was breathe. Pretty effing amazing eh? Yeah, that’s Logan.

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