Tag Archives: Resolutions

To Begin A New Year

1 Jan

Waking up this morning I found myself thinking of all of the things coming up this year that I am looking forward to. For the most part this is not usually how I wake up. Normally I find myself thinking of all the things I need to get accomplished, all the steps that need to be taken to get to that next phase.
This year Logan and Bella will be four and two. Scott and I will celebrate our sixth anniversary. Logan will start junior kindergarten. Big things, big steps that we will be taking as a family. And I am so excited.
In the past I have always been pushing for that next phase, expecting the next step in my life to be the one that leaves me feeling satisfied with where I’m at. Finishing high school, finishing college, getting a job, getting married, getting a house, having a baby, having another baby, renovating the house, getting a family vehicle. We have gone through all these phases. There are more ahead of us, but I’m not rushing to meet them. I’m ok with where we are and what we have. In fact I’m very happy with my life right now.
On this first day of a new year I resolve to be happy with all the wonderful aspects of my life. To stop waiting for the next step and live in the moment. I love my kids and my husband and my life is perfect. This year and for all that lay ahead of me I am going to appreciate the most important thing I have, my family.
Happy New Year!

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A Good Mother

12 Jun

People tell me I am and I find myself thinking they are not around to witness the majority of my mothering. Their comments usually follow one thing that I say or do and somehow that one thing tells them that I am a good mother. I want to be, and for the most part I try to be. I have to be honest though, my patience only goes so far. I am not always a cool and collected zen Momma. There are days where the first little thing that goes wrong sends frustration through me by 8 AM. I yell. When he won’t stop bugging his sister, or she won’t stop that whine cry she does when nothing is really wrong but she wants me to pay attention to her. After a day where I have been especially impatient and irritable I look at them while they sleep and feel horrible for raising my voice, for harshly snapping “Go away” at Logan when I was at my wits end for no good reason at all, there is no reason to bark at a three year old that way. I promise myself and the two of them that I will try harder, I will do better when they wake up in the morning and when they grow up they will look back and recall a loving and affectionate mother who was always there to support them no matter what. I want them to be able to come to me with anything, to never fear saying something to me in case it makes me mad. I wouldn’t consider myself a hot tempered person and yet I worry that others may, I suppose that means I do see myself that way.

Why can’t I do better, why do I still snap when the nagging child just won’t quit? I don’t know. But I swear I am working on it. I need to hold myself more accountable, I need to do more than silently promise to be better at the end of a bad day. My plan has a few parts. The first is to do my best to avoid those situations that push my buttons all together. My frustration is usually triggered by a behavior that comes from boredom.  If I keep them stimulated, feed them before they start asking for food and cuddle Bella when she gets sleepy so she goes down for a nap at the right time they won’t try to get my attention in a way that results in my negative response. Sounds easy but my lazy side kicks in, or I am really determined to finish vacuuming, washing the dishes, folding the laundry, make dinner, whatever it is that I need to do that is keeping me from keeping them happy. I don’t want to be the sole source of their entertainment 24/7 they need to be able to entertain themselves and they do, I think I take their ability to do that for granted though and expect their independent play periods to last longer than they do.

Next I need to remember to take a breath before I react. Too often I react before I think. Bella cries, I yell Logan! What did you do to her? Not the right response at all. And I find it so easy to say to Scott when he does the same thing, calm down your reaction is bigger than the situation. But I’m worse then him most days. I get annoyed with him because I unrealistically expect him to do better than me. I feel so bad that the kids have had me getting annoyed with them during the day that when Scott gets home I want him to be gentler and more patient. That’s not fair, he is gone all day dealing with his own aggravations and is no more a fresh page when he gets home than I am.

I need to find my own outlet, something that brings me back to a place of peace and calm to recharge and come back a better parent. I”m not sure what that is but I intend to figure it out.

Parenting is hard. Not the physical hard of being tired after chasing kids but emotionally and mentally. It get harder with time too. The more they grow the more difficult it is to know if you’re making the right choices. Logan absorbs everything, if he sees me swat at Scott in irritation the  it’s how he deals when he’s irritated. We raise our voices when we are arguing so he does too. Modeling good behavior all the time. It’s hard, it shouldn’t be. I should just be a good person who makes the right choices all the time, that would be ideal really. Why can’t is just be that easy? I guess if I didn’t have to work at it the rewards might not feel as great as they do.

Logan says thank you on his own the majority of the time, Bella snuggles into me, he says he loves me and she reaches for Daddy and squeals in delight when he gets home from work. There are so many tiny things that make my love for them grow everyday. That love is what has me reaching everyday to be a good mother.

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