Tag Archives: Relationship

The Story Of Us

30 May

 

It was a snowy April night, 2004. With her Mother at a Jack & Jill at a neighbors farm, she saw him. Having been ready to leave she was now compelled to stay, who was he? Quietly watching from across the room, summoning the courage to talk tom him, she was about to approach when she suddenly realized he was no longer in view. Scanning the room, it became clear that he had left. Disappointed, she agreed with her mother that it was time to leave. Then, as if by her very will there he was, chatting with people on the other side of the room. He appeared to be turning down dance partners, some young, and some clearly the mothers of his friends, smiling politely each time he’d shake his head and they’d move on. She wasn’t going to miss her chance, this time there was no summoning of courage she walked straight across the room. “I see you’re saying no to everyone that’s asking you to dance.” She noted, convincing herself she was this confident and forward person, “Will you dance with me?” He smiled, they danced. They spun and spun until the room continued to spin though they had stopped dancing. The night came to a close, and she headed home with her mother. The next morning she awoke excited with this new possibility, eager to explore what this new person might bring to her life. After some ‘research’ she learned his name and phone number, “Hi, I don’t know if you remember me, we met last night.”

After some months of spending nearly every day together they parted ways. She cried, but knew that this was not the right time for what she felt. They saw other people, always just slightly in touch with one another. In good times and in bad she thought of him, wondered where he was, if he was happy. The relationship she was in had not been what she was seeking, in her heart the knowledge that the one she met that April night was the one, pulled at her. On one particularly sad day, the tears blurred her vision and she needed someone. Someone to drive her home, someone to ease her broken heart. On that day the number she dialed was not the one of her current ‘someone’, but his. He answered and his voice brought some peace, then it was clear that the one who should be her someone was on the other end of the line. That was the end of the relationship she was in, now in the world a free agent, she waited.

Not so snowy, but April again a year later. Walking across a crowded bar she felt a poke and looked down. Standing there, a step below the platform she was on, was the one she had been waiting for. Without even thinking she fell into his arms, the remainder of the evening spent as close to him as she could get. This time she knew that this was the time for what she felt, she was ready for what he could bring to her life.

Some months passed. One sunny afternoon as they said goodbye in her mothers driveway she asked, “Should I cut and paste some pictures of rings that I like for you?” He smiled, “Yeah”. Together they looked and found the perfect one. July 2005, at dinner on a weekend away she asked for the dessert menu. When the waitress returned, she was carrying a platter with a little box in the center. As she processed what that might mean she looked down to find him on his knee at her side, “Will you be my wife?” Tears filled her eyes, her hands shook, “Yes!” She was reminded that they were in a crowded restaurant by the applause that filled the room around them.

Little more than a year went by and she was standing at the back of the church, clutching her Grandfather’s arm. As she watched the flower girls and ring bearer make their way down the aisle she began to shiver. “I’m scared” her feet froze, pulling gently on her arm, her Grandpa brought her down the aisle. Tears streaming down her face she was surprised by the emotion that overtook her. There he stood, just as he had that snowy April night, smiling and his presence alone putting at ease any fear she had felt.

Time went by, doing what it does. They drifted apart and came together as couples sometimes do. In the midst of one of their drifted periods he came home from work to find her crying. She gave no explanation, shutting the door to his attempt at understanding her tears. Wanting to tell him but not knowing how she searched online. On a page, on the table, she had printed off he came home to find a section circled. “At five weeks the heart beats for the first time” He looked at her, question and amazement on his face. She smiled with tears in her eyes and nodded, they were together again, now more than ever before.

Thirty-six weeks later the doctor handed him a tiny, perfect boy. His boy, this was a new love. A love they shared with each other and for this new and most important person in their lives. The baby boy grew and changed and they learned. About him, about themselves, and about each other. Her love for him grew. More than the night he put a ring on her finger, more than the day she said I do, her love for him and for what they had created together multiplied.

Soon she knew there was something else. Something pulling at her, she yearned for something, though she didn’t yet know what. Twenty-three months and two weeks after that tiny boy was laid in his arms, a precious girl was brought to him. When the nurse brought her into the recovery room and she beheld her new family for the first time she was sure that this was what she had been seeking. All was as it should be and there was nothing more to search for.

Time went by, doing what it does. They no longer drifted apart.

There were times when she would sit and think. A smile would come across her face as she realized how blessed she was. She had him, the one for her. And as days and weeks passed by she learned more and more that he was exactly what she needed, more than she knew she wanted. She had known of his kind heart and generous nature. Of his quick wit and dry humor. She learned how tender his heart was when his babies had tears in their eyes, and she saw his heart break for them. How patient his temperament was at trying times, when he hugged her to calm her frenzied state. How considerate he was when, after a long and hot days work, he searched their yard for an escaped pet turtle. How thoughtful he was when he told her to go and see her friends and not worry about the time. How playful he was as he rolled on the floor with the kids and their dog, laughing and playing until it was the children who were tired. How affectionate he was as he snuggled his babies to sleep. How strong he was as his world suffered unexpected losses and breaks.

She saw all of this. She saw him. She learned that on the day they exchanged their vows her love for him was just beginning. That years after she had pledged her heart to him she would find herself wanting to give it to him all over again. Finding new reasons to love him more all the time. With him she had a family she loved more than words could express. There was no more seeking, no yearning after what the world might hold. All that she needed and wanted was with him and the story they were writing together.

The Family We Choose

6 Dec

I have a truly great group of girlfriends. They are beautiful, smart and funny women. They each possess characteristics I strive for and they inspire me to be better. There are four in particular who I consider my closest friends. I can talk to all of them about anything. I trust them completely. My relationship with each of them is such that I know they will always be there for me and I am always here for them. I wasn’t always in a place in my life when I knew for sure where I stood with people. I am so happy that I have friends whom I love and who I know love me back, it’s a great thing to have.
My oldest and closest friend truly is my rock. She has been there through all of the biggest moments in my life. When I’m feeling panicked or uncertain about something she is always my first call, and each time she gets me back to sanity and calms me. She always knows just what to say to help me gain much needed perspective. She is smart and caring and never asks for anything. The distance and time that keep us apart seem to grow every year yet each time we speak or get together our relationship remains the same, I’m very lucky to have her in my life.
The next I always first think of as the fun one. The one who I can always call when what I need is a night on the town with drinks and dancing. But she is much more than this. She is quick witted and has a fantastic sense of humor. She’s strong and always fights for what she believes in. No matter what we do together I know we will have fun, just having her there makes anything a great time. Whether it be a girls night out or sitting and talking for hours, I love having her in my life.
Now for the one who my relationship with started out very differently than it has ended up. When we met we were perhaps too similar to really become close. On the outside she is tough, she knows what needs to be done and she takes care of it. She’s very organized and her home is always perfect. I wish I was that woman, the one who’s home is spotless even if you stop by unannounced. I don’t know how she does it. But the part of her I love the most is the part that took time for me to get to know. Considerate and sweet she never lets me feel bad when I screw up. When I’m kicking myself and loosing sleep over something, particularly in my mothering role, she knows exactly what to tell me to get me out of it. She is wise and thoughtful, I honestly do not know what I would do without her.
Finally the one who has inspired me to be more appreciative and kind. She always sees the good in people. Full of energy she lights up any room she walks into. Always thinking of others and going out of her way to brighten up someone’s day. The newest addition to those I hold dearest I am so thankful to have found a great friend in her.

My Big Plan – Extra

27 Nov

I’m not sure if this would really count as a part of the plan but it might. Getting rid of stuff that’s floating around in my head annoying me is probably helpful on my journey to self improvement. I have something to get off my chest. There is a person frolicking about in my world. A person who may refer to themselves as a close and long time friend to my husband. I am not going to name this person. I am writing this in the hopes of gaining the satisfaction which comes from addressing your attacker. A satisfaction I do not expect to gain in real life by speaking to this person as I am confident that even if they did admit to their wrong doings they would make them my fault. There are people who will recognize this person from my accounts of some events, please respect my choice to not name names and keep it to yourself or comment to me privately. Thank you.
The following is a selection of incidents perpetuated by the above mentioned frolicker. From this point on I will be writing as if I am speaking to them, because thats easier.
(1) Calling me a whore and telling me I forced my husband into depression and ‘ruined’ him. Then in response to a request for an apology from me stated that (2) you meant what you said and would not take it back. Later (3) insinuating that my son should be circumcised by uttering “a boy should look like his father” and (4) stating that my desire to send my children to a Catholic school is stupid and doesn’t make any sense. When Scott asked you about 3 & 4 you (5) denied the occurrence and blatantly lied stating that (6) I behaved completely differently than I would have had Scott been present, telling him that I attacked you. And finally when asked to take responsibility for items 1 & 2 claimed (7) to not recall them at all.
When I think about one and two I wonder how you can truly consider yourself a friend to my husband when you are so openly disrespectful of his choices. We are married because we love each other and you being so unkind to me shows a great lack of consideration for the feelings of your friend.
In regards to number three I think my sons penis is absolutely none of your concern.
As far as number four is concerned what school my children attend has no bearing on your life whatsoever and I fail to see what you hope to accomplish is saying anything about it at all. Except perhaps to be mean or get a reaction.
Number five? There were others present who recall precisely what you said.
And six how dare you lie to your friend, and about his wife. He knows me and knows what I would and would not do. To expect him to believe your falsified account of the incident could suggest that you have little faith in his intelligence.
Seven, I find it difficult to believe that you cannot recall. Especially being that Scott talked to you about it later and you apologized to him for treating me that way.
To me it appears that accepting responsibility for your actions is not a great strength for you. Lying to your friends seems to be your defense of choice. My husband has maintained a hope that you would recognize the error in your ways and come around. I hope that he is right, and I believe the first step to being the person he hopes you to be would be admitting your mistakes and attempting to make it right with those you have wronged. I wish you luck in this.

My Big Plan – Part 1

7 Nov

I have a plan. That’s right I have been thinking about it for a while and have finally decided to put it out there. If I tell all kinds of random people I’m going to do it I simply have to follow through.

This needing a plan business came from the recognition that I am not being the best parent or wife that I can be. Not even the best friend I can be for that matter. In fact the friend thing is kind of a center to the other two. In the past couple years I have started to see the flaws in my friendship skills and have thought about them and made an effort here and there to be better at it but it’s time I try harder, try all the way.

Laying in bed awake is a part of my usual routine. I lay there and quite often think of things I might like to blog about, I’m really excited about it at the time and think I’m going to be all gung-ho the next morning. But I’m not, I wake up and look at all the things I need to get done and the kids need my attention through the day (a part of the plan is giving it to them) so I never get to the actual writing part. So when I sat down today I decided that rather then trying to organize my whole thought process and the plan in one post I would break it up. This post being the explanation of where this while plan thing has come from (see what I have been writing thus far) and the first part of said plan. PLAN PLAN PLAN. I’m going to be saying it a lot more so get used to it.

Part 1

The reality is I can’t just be a better friend/wife/parent like POOF. I could probably fake it for a while but what good is that really? I think what I need to do is be a better me first. I have a feeling the rest will kind of fall into place a bit more easily if I’m, you know, a good PERSON to start the whole process.

So my first step is to forgive and accept MYSELF. Right now this sounds really self absorbed to me…that might be something I need to work on.

Problem : I tend to be pretty hard on myself. I have pretty high expectations and I rarely live up to them, let alone exceed. And truthfully I prefer to exceed. I have a picture of the friend/wife/parent I would like to be and each time I miss the mark I get frustrated. Mad at myself ultimately. This often makes me want to give up and I spiral a little bit. A common issue for me is keeping my house clean. I really don’t mind house work I just struggle to keep myself motivated and moving forward with it, especially with the constant kid interruptions. And then I plan on doing it while the kids are sleeping or busy with their Dad or something but then I find myself wanting to indulge in those moments and just shut down for a while. I think being a good wife involves keeping up the house, being a good parent means keeping the house clean for my babies and I am not too comfortable having friends over when the house is a mess so it’s a part of the friend thing for me too. I start out with good intentions. I make plans and lists. Then something gets me off course. I don’t get things done the way I want to and I get annoyed. Then I procrastinate because the job keeps growing and I don’t want to deal with it. After a while I get overwhelmed and feel that I can’t handle it on my own at all. At this point is often where I start telling myself that I don’t even care about the mess and it’s just a part of life and blah blah blah. The truth though, is that it makes me crazy and I really just need to get on it and keep up with the place. I mean it’s not that hard.

I have a habit of being quite selfish. With friends I see it each time I cut them off or turn the focus of just about any conversation into something about me. I try to convince myself that I am just relating but I’m pretty sure I’m just being selfish. With Scott I expect much more from him in our relationship than I expect of myself. Selfish. I feel that he should be thinking of me and how his actions impact me at all times. But I don’t really think that way about him. I go on my own way and just assume he will follow along with whatever choices I make and I really am surprised each time he doesn’t just agree with me. With the kids I have a big problem with myself. I hate that I do it but quite often when I am trying to do something and they want my attention I tend to feel annoyed. I’m mad and tell them to leave me alone while I do whatever it is. Lately I have tried harder to take a step back and recognize that whatever I am doing can probably wait and that what they need from me is to be in tune and responsive to their needs.

Goal as far as friendships are concerned: Be a better listener. Really focus on the person while they speak and empathize without constantly talking over them. I really want to be the friend that people think of when they need someone to talk to. Someone they feel they can really open up to and feel safe with. I want to be a loving and thoughtful person. I would also like to be fun, hilarious, give the best advice and have an awesome sense of fashion but I am going for realistic in this plan.

Goal in the wife category: Give as much as or even more than I expect. I keep wanting from him but I give him no reason to try aside from my demands. For all the things I ask of them I need to be accountable myself. Each time I am mad because I haven’t heard from him when he’s late I should stop and realize he is probably busy and I can easily loose track of time so I should allow him the courtesy of recognizing that he can do it too. Each time I am annoyed that he hasn’t put more effort into helping me around the house I must see that I am mostly mad at myself for not trying harder and cut him some slack because he’s exhausted too. Most importantly when I feel that he is not putting the effort into the relationship I would like him too I need to be finding a way to contribute in a way that is meaningful to him. Communication and the sharing of thoughts and feelings is how I feel connected. He is not me. He has is own way of feeling connected, and since I have spent the past nearly 8 years focused mostly on myself I don’t really know what that is but I will figure it out.

Goal with my kidlets : Give them what they need from me without resenting it. Show them I love them not only when I say it or hug them because I am feeling it in that moment but by being loving with them even when I wanted to be focusing on something else. I need to let them feel how important they are by putting their needs above the silly little tasks I perform on a regular basis.

Ultimately to accomplish these things I need to stop thinking I am a failure for not already doing them. Not be mad at myself each time I get mad. Forgive myself for the mistakes I have made and really use them as a learning experience, not just tell myself that I will. After I have my little fit I will look back at the situation and seek out better ways for me to handle it. I aim to spend more time in the moment and less worrying about the next step. I want to enjoy each day, with all the good and bad that comes.

I can so do this.

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