Tag Archives: Father

The Family We Get

9 Dec

All this planning to get together with family members, thinking about them, trying to decide on just the right gift, got me thinking. About family, about the clan we are born into and the expectations and rules that come with that.
There are a lot of assumptions built into family structures. For some reason somebody somewhere made some rules and most of us just follow them, unquestioning, because “it’s family”. I considered going on a rant here about all the stupid things I was and sometimes still am just expected to do in the name of family but I decided against this because my goal here is a touch more specific.
Right at this moment I want to talk about attachment. Something I feel I understand very clearly in one direction because of how much I love my kids. How I would go to the ends of the earth for them and never ever give them up for any reason. I don’t do it on purpose, I don’t feel this way because a parent is supposed to. These feelings came on their own. Bam! I had babies and my heart grew and emotions went into overdrive.
All these feelings of love and connection I have for them really makes me wonder. Is it different for other people? Obviously. Is it even more different for men. I think so. If you don’t know the child for as long, or don’t carry them within you is it easier to walk away? I expect so. If someone else you love and yearn to stay close too proposes that you can only be with them if you abandon your child, does that make it a decision you don’t even need to consider? Maybe. I suppose it depends on a whole host of factors.
These are some of the things that run through my mind when I go to the place in my mind that wonders about my dad.
I don’t think about it, or him, very much. I wasn’t that young girl pining for the father that was never there. I didn’t look at other girls with their fathers, the princess, daddy’s little girl, and envy them. If he had have been around for long enough for me to know him and then was gone I imagine I would have a harder time with it, but the reality is I just don’t know any different. I’ve never experienced that relationship so I simply don’t know what I’m missing, if anything.
When I see Scott with the babies. When I see him light up at the end of the day when they run squealing to him as he walks in the door. When I miss them while I’m getting groceries. When they get to a new milestone, or show little kid kindness, which is extra sweet. When I look back at how much they have changed in just a few short years. When I see how much being their father has changed Scott for the better. In observance of all of this I really struggle to comprehend how a father can know that his daughter is out there, growing and changing, and do nothing. Not call or visit. Does he wonder? That was a question I asked myself a lot. Does he even think about the one he left behind? How could he not? How do you have a child, meet them, know them for something like two years then vanish?
The conclusion I usually come to is that he is clearly not someone worth knowing anyway. If he can be so inconsiderate and detached why would I even bother caring? He chose not to know me, he didn’t give me a chance. What reason do I have to give him even a second thought? Dammit! Because now I have kids, and I love them and I cannot wrap my head around life without them.
This is where I go through that pro and con list in my head and try to weigh out how I should feel and perhaps even what I should do. On one hand he has never been a part of my life and going on with my life without any trace of him would really be no different. And what if I do reach out, put myself out there, maybe even meet him. What if he is wildly disappointing? What if meeting him is worse than the not knowing? What if he’s mean, what if he tells me he never wanted anything to do with me and is annoyed with me for wasting his time? Sounds pretty evil, but he’s kinda been doing just that for the past twenty some years. But wait! What if some day when he dies I think oh crap now I’ll never have my chance, more importantly, I never tried to make that chance happen for my kidlets. He is their grandfather, at some point they are going to be like hey daddy has a mommy and a daddy, why does mommy only have a mommy. They are going to ask me about him, and I am ok with being open and honest and explaining that sometimes not all of the character roles in our lives are filled. I want them to have it all though. I say that then I think wtf self?! How is a man who leaves his offspring a part of having it all? He is not. I don’t know how he doesn’t die inside when he realizes what amazing things he is missing out on. My kids are freaking awesome, and he’s not seeing that. The man is a Grandpa and he’s just like whatever. Well at this precise moment in time I say whatever guy who contributed half of my DNA. I would respect you more if all you were was a sperm donor.
I go back and forth on this a lot. I don’t know what will happen or where it will go.
I think when it comes down to it I do want to know him, but the him I want to know might not be the him he is. No matter what I expect to be disappointed to some extent and maybe once I can settle that with myself I will be able to make a choice. A choice that may be futile as all I can do is contact him, whether or not he agrees to talk to or see me is another disappointment trap all in itself.

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