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Working Woman

23 May

Since the weeks leading up to Bella’s birth I had been a stay at home Mom. My days were filled with housework, errands, kids and lots of little mindless tasks. It was not easy, but it was perfect. I watched them grow and change, I was here for anything they needed, I loved that time.

It’s gone now. Those breezy days of feeling like I might pull my hair out if I didn’t get to speak to at least one grown up. Keeping strangers on the phone when making appointments or ordering stuff. Those poor people, I’m sure I wasn’t the only Mama who told them EVERYTHING she was thinking about just to keep the adult conversation going.

Clearly I have an assortment of feelings about my time at home. I would never change it, if we ever had more (which we are SO NOT) I would do it again.

Now though, now I am a working woman again.

This new life is crazy busy and the things that slip past my attention are growing in numbers. I dove in head first, no floaties. Every day I get them on the bus and head to work, every day I try to find a free second to orchestrate all the things I used to have all the time in the world to manage, every day I suddenly notice the time and pack up and race off to this appointment, then that store, then to the kids before the after school program ends. I now remember why people get excited for Friday, and the weekend. Why stats and holidays are a big deal. How precious my time with my babies is, so much more now that I see them so much less.

The house is always waiting for my attention, always needing to be tidied, swept, scrubbed. It will keep waiting. The time I have at home now is for my kids, my husband, and for me. The dishes really can wait, the laundry is not going anywhere.

The other day Logan asked Scott when he would be able to see him more. His Dad explained to him that the reason we can have our home, stuff, food, activities and everything else is that Daddy works. Logan wondered when we would have enough money that he would get to see his Dad more. This breaks my heart, my boy is missing his Dad, and his Dad misses him, infinitely.  I would love to be able to offer him a date, a time, some idea of when we will all be able to spend more time together. I wish I could, but I can’t. What I can make sure he has is all of the attention I can give him when we are together. What we can offer is fun, laughter, cuddles, LOVE every moment we’re not apart.

I’m working, Scott is working. Our babies are in school. Our lives are busy.

The dishes will wait. We love our wrinkled t-shirts.

We will play and read. Sing and dance. We will love every moment. This woman will work for that.


Are You Raising a Douchebag?

25 Jul

I saw a picture on facebook today (pause for gasp).

No seriously, it happened. Anyway, it was a kid, clearly a shithead kid. It asked, “Are you raising a douchebag?” and pointed out that “Your indulgent parenting is spawning a generation of hipster brats.”

I think this picture is right. Yeah, someone somewhere on the internet got it right.

I have a problem with being indulgent with my offspring. I want them to have everything their little baby hearts desire, then SHOCK they act like jerks when they don’t get their way. So now I’m working on this whole giving them everything illness I have. It’s tough, and sometimes I say no to something ’cause I think I should be saying no more often than I realize I could have said yes in that case and nothing would have exploded. It’s a work in progress.

Now to the point of my rambling. As a parent I know it is my job to help in the shaping of the people my spawn turn out to be. Hopefully guiding them down a path of goodness and away from shitheadedness. What about all those jerk adults out there though? Hey person non-specific standing in front of the mall/restaurant/kids play area surrounding yourself in a cloud of death that I now have the option of dragging my kids through or using another entrance and hoping another one of your kind isn’t there? Go to hell! Yeah, that’s right. You choose to be a smoker, that’s a bad choice, go make your bad choice away from those of us without wishes of stained teeth, foul odours and untimely deaths.

Those people make me mad…can you tell?

There are so many adults making horrible choices, sometimes they are me. Sometimes they are the people in my life. Those bad choice may be as simple (and regular) as not thinking before speaking, or as all consuming as addiction. It’s always happening around me. And as I am trying to mold my kidlets into good people I wonder about how to best handle all the bad stuff so that it will have either no negative impact or maybe even sometimes a good impact (by the way of lessons to be learned). I recognize and sometimes SOMETIMES accept that I cannot change the people around me or stop them from making poor decisions. What I am not too confident about is how to manage those people in relation to my babes. We know that when kids are being bullied in school doing nothing is comparable to endorsing the bully’s behaviour. So, should I try to say or do something about bad behaviours so the kiddos see that I do not support it and am trying to have a positive impact on their world? OR knowing that those choices are not mine to make and only the people making them have the ability to make better ones do I simply not include those bad choice makers in the circle of people my family hangs out with? Standing idly by as my children witness people inflicting harm on themselves or others does not fall into the category of acceptable for me. Not only could that tell them that I am OK with whatever is happening but also that I am willing to expose them to bad shit…better words are not currently available.

I could see how some may say I’m thinking too much about this. And I SO see how my need to control is impacting my train of thought here…but what is a mama bear to do trying to raise her cubs in a world full of assholes?

Hook, Line…

4 May

Did your school have those round, grey rocks in the playground? The ones that were perpetually covered in a very fine dust that got on everything? When you jumped off the swing and landed with your hands in them you would fine lots of small grey circles on your hands, and if you touched your clothing you would have white hand prints all over you. Mine did. I’m not sure if Logan’s does though.

Walking up the driveway after school one day this week his hat was covered in white smudges. The ones I feel I had seen so many times in my elementary school days. I asked him how his hat got so dirty. “Bullies throwing mud again”. Odd, I thought. Mud doesn’t leave a powdery residue. Thrown mud wouldn’t leave smudges. I decided he wasn’t telling the truth. I assumed because he didn’t want to get in trouble for getting his hat dirty. It’s his special hat, the one he earned when he got up on stage in front of his entire school and let a stranger shave his head at the Cops for Cancer: Pedal for Hope assembly. He’s four, that’s a big deal.

Hats can be used for digging, for carrying, for fanning, for catching. I’m sure there is a myriad of uses my son could find for a hat. I’m also sure that a small pile of those uses could result in the smudging all over it. I don’t give him trouble for playing in the dirt generally, you know unless a mud puddle is attacked while we are walking towards the van to go somewhere special, he’s a kid and I’m cool with that. I don’t see why he wouldn’t tell me the real reason his hat is covered in that fine dust.

This is not the first time I’ve heard about bullies at school. And on some occasions I have sought out a conversation with the teacher to explore further. These kids are smart though. They hear us tossing words like bully around in a very serious manner. They know it’s a big deal and that we are working to keep bullying out of their lives. I think he’s deduced that ‘bully’ is a hot button. He knows that word will trigger a reaction. The things they learn in school. Not long after he started he was telling me that he didn’t want to get misbehaving kids in trouble when I asked why he didn’t report inappropriate behaviour he had seen. They learn the code in a hurry, don’t they?

Not too long ago he went to a birthday party for a classmate. For the very first time he went without me. After I dropped him off I began to wonder if he would be ok. What would they do if something happened and he needed me? I let this worry go, rather, I tried to let it go. Kids go to parties, and he loves being with his friends.

When I picked him up and asked how it went I got the usual semi complete account of event. Lacking some logic and certainly not in order. Then, the more he talked about it the more it changed. Soon he was telling me about how he was sad and cried for me. I smiled and said, “But you were ok after that right? You had fun.” Yes, he had fun. I’ve heard this kind of line before. Stories about nursery school and then his kindergarten classroom. Even when I’ve gone out and he’s been home with Scott on occasion this same little piece finds its way into his account of the day or evening, whatever I’m asking him about.

Looking at these little reoccurring instances as a whole I have reached a conclusion. My boy is keeping me on the hook.

Maybe as a favour to me, so I know he still needs me. More likely as a way to remain a little boy despite all the big boy changes in his life. Obviously, he is a genius. I admire his emotional awareness and ability to manipulate loved ones. Now, do I worry that he is turning into me or do all people use small emotional triggers to affect the people around them?

Infant Circumcision: Why I say NO

8 Jan

There are two things I want you to know before choosing to read this. First, it contains links to graphic material, I chose not to put the pictures on the page so that you would have the option to see them or not. Secondly, my goal is not to condemn or make you feel bad about a choice you have already made. My goal is to advocate for those who cannot advocate for themselves and to share information.  If you decide to read on please do so with an open mind and be willing to hear what I have to say.

“When we know better, we do better.”

-Maya Angelou

You may already know that I am against circumcision, specifically when it is performed on infants where there is no medical reason. If there is a medical need or if it is in the case of an adult who is capable of giving INFORMED CONSENT than what I have to say here does not apply.

To begin I will explain my journey to this belief, if you want to know when I first decided not to have my son circumcised read this. You will see that what I went on was not very much information but a very instinctual desire not to put my unborn child though that. More recently I have delved into the information and have found myself taking up the cause. There are a lot of very valid causes out there and I agree with many of them. For one reason or another though, this one really hits me. I get pretty riled up about it at times.  I get that hitting my head against a wall feeling when thinking about the arguments people make. The reasons they give. I’m not mad at them, just the thought process. On some level it angers me because I once felt the same way, not strongly, but I agreed with them. I hadn’t put a lot of thought into it but I just assumed it was what you did if you had a boy and that was all there was to it. If my doctor hadn’t asked me about it that one day I may very well have done it to Logan.  Unfortunately unless you go looking for pros and cons you just don’t know, unless someone says, “Hey! Why are you doing that?” The general belief in our society currently is that when you have baby boy you cut off the end of his penis. Think about that phrase for a moment. Are there any other parts of your child you would have removed? If you had a girl would you have her circumcised? My thought is HELL NO! Yet somehow this one exception exists, this one part that we are fine with slicing off as soon as we can. There are some hints floating about now that might make you think first. It’s no longer performed immediately following the birth while you and baby are still in hospital (in Canada).  You have to find a doctor who will do it and then book it, then you have to PAY, at least a couple hundred dollars. It’s not covered by health insurance because it is considered COSMETIC.

Before I dive into the information that brings me to the decision not to circumcise babies let me address a common statement that comes up around this discussion. “It’s the parents choice” I have been saying something similar to this for some time, “Everyone has to do what’s best for them” when people have confronted me about my son. Recently I realized that I was taking the wrong approach, I was saying the wrong thing. It’s not really about the adult, it’s about the baby. Tiny and new as they are, they are still people and they have rights. Deciding for them to have an elective procedure performed feels to me like a violation of those rights, some courts agree. It is the choice of the parent, and right now in the eyes of the law they have the right to make it. If just there you said, “HA you said it Sarah I have the right so back off” then you should probably leave, you’re not going to change your mind and neither am I. Reading further will probably just aggravate you, and I’m not here to upset anyone.

Let’s start off with all those wonderful reasons people have to cut their babies. First I have a list for you, a list of various possible reasons for why circumcision came into practice. You will find the full article here.

“It has been variously proposed that it began as a religious sacrifice, as a rite of passage marking a boy’s entrance into adulthood, as a form of sympathetic magic to ensure virility or fertility, as a means of enhancing sexual pleasure, as an aid to hygiene where regular bathing was impractical, as a means of marking those of higher social status, as a means of humiliating enemies and slaves by symbolic castration, as a means of differentiating a circumcising group from their non-circumcising neighbors, as a means of discouraging masturbation or other socially proscribed sexual behaviors, as a means of removing “excess” pleasure, as a means of increasing a man’s attractiveness to women, as a demonstration of one’s ability to endure pain, or as a male counterpart to menstruation or the breaking of the hymen, or to copy the rare natural occurrence of a missing foreskin of an important leader, and as a display of disgust of the smegma produced by the foreskin.”

You will note that there are contradicting items on this list. Take into account that all of these are reasons various people have used around the world at differing points in time.  Really they are opinions.

Here are some common reasons people choose to have their baby circumcised, and the facts that debunk the myths. Find the full article here.

Circumcision is recommended by doctors and medical organizations

Fact: Circumcision is not recommended by any national medical association in the world.  Fifteen national and international medical associations have extensively studied infant circumcision and its effects and found no significant evidence to support this practice.  In March 1999, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) concluded that infant circumcision is not recommended as a routine procedure.1  The circumcision policy statements of the American Medical Association (AMA) and the American Academy of Family Physicians have concurred with this position.2-3  The AMA calls infant circumcision “non-therapeutic.”

It’s just a little piece of skin, he won’t miss it.

Fact: The prepuce (foreskin) makes up as much as half of the skin system of the penis.4  It is an extension of the shaft skin that folds over onto itself, completely covering and protecting the glans (an internal organ) and provides the mobility of the shaft skin necessary for frictionless intercourse and masturbation.  The foreskin has three known functions: protective, immunological, and sexual.  It contains about 10,000 highly specialized nerve endings and several feet of blood vessels.  An adult male foreskin, if unfolded and spread out, would be about the size of index card (3 x 5 inches), much more than a “little piece of skin.”  Many sexually active men circumcised in adulthood report a significant decrease in sexual pleasure and comfort because of the loss of sensitive nerve endings, skin mobility and natural lubrication.

The care of a circumcised penis is easier than an intact penis.

Fact: For the care of an intact penis, the AAP recommends, “Leave it alone.” 5  No special care is required – an intact child should have the external surface of his penis (and the rest of his body) washed regularly to keep clean.  When a male is older and can retract his foreskin (which typically occurs by puberty), a simple rinsing is all that is necessary. 6  Other cultural myths about special cleaning procedures are just that – myth.

Almost everyone is circumcised…I don’t want my son to be teased in the locker room.

Fact:  The circumcision rate for males worldwide is about 15%.  Even in the US, the only country that circumcises a majority of its male newborns for non-religious reasons, the circumcision rate is decreasing.  According the National Center for Health Statistics, the US circumcision rate is approximately 60% (varies widely by region) and slowly decreasing.  According to many intact males, the “teasing” concern is vastly overstated.  For many boys, genital status is neither an important issue nor one that is discussed.  In the unlikely event of concerns later in life, at least the person can make his own decision about an irreversible body alteration that has no medical justification.

Circumcision is a simple and painless procedure… it only takes a few minutes.

Fact:  While circumcision is a relatively quick procedure, it is extremely painful for the infant.  The initial part of the process involves a forced separation of the foreskin, which is fused to the glans (head) in much the same way as a fingernail is joined to the finger.  The AAP says the following about EMLA cream, one of the most common pain relief methods, “The analgesic effect is limited during the phases associated with extensive tissue trauma…” 1    Although they cannot remember the pain as adults, circumcised male infants have increased pain response in vaccinations 4 to 6 months later.11  Circumcision appears to lower the pain threshold.

Circumcision makes the penis cleaner and more hygienic.

Fact:  Circumcision removes the protective portion of mobile shaft skin, which is intended to cover the glans (head) of the penis.  The glans is the internal portion of genitalia (for both genders).  Circumcision artificially exposes and denudes this highly sensitive tissue, resulting in a buildup of keratin and a dry, desensitized part of the penis.  And contrary to popular myth, more sensation does not lead tp control problems.  Based on reports from men circumcised as adults, just the opposite is true.  With more sensation, a man has better feedback and can better determine his proximity to the “orgasmic threshold.”   

I went here and found this in regards to the circumcision rate in Canada, “A 2006 article placed the (2003) rate at 13.9%.”  That was the rate in 2003, and the rates have been on the decline. To those of you who really believe that kids are going to tease your son about what his penis looks like. Even if kids were comparing and teasing it would appear that those who have been snipped will be the minority.

I have heard accounts from people who know someone who knew someone who had a problem with their uncut penis later in life. Yes it happens. Our bodies don’t always perform exactly as they should. Our tonsils and appendix sometimes cause problems later on too, are we removing those from our newborns? No because the remotely possible benefit does not outweigh the risk of the surgery to remove them. What are the risks to circumcising your son? This article shows this:

“Out of 100 Circumcised boys:

75 will not readily breastfeed post-op

55 will have adverse reactions from the surgery

35 will have post-op hemorrhaging to one degree or another

31 will develop meatal ulcers

10 will need to have the circumcision surgery repeated to fix prior surgical problems/error
8 will suffer infection at the surgical site

3 will develop post-operative phimosis

2 will have a more serious complication (seizure, heart attack, stroke, loss of penis, death)

1 will require additional immediate surgery and sutures to stop hemorrhage

1 will develop fibrosis

1 will develop phimosis

1 will be treated with antibiotics for a UTI (urinary tract infection)

1 will be treated with antibiotics for surgical site infection

Of those who do receive pain medication for the surgery (about 4% of those boys undergoing circumcision in the U.S.) some will have adverse reactions to the pain medication injected”

Sound scary? Yeah I think so too. But wait, there are risks to leaving him intact too:

Out of 100 Intact boys: 

2 will be treated with antibiotics for a UTI (fewer if the foreskin is never forcibly retracted)

1 will be told to get cut later in life for one reason or another (fewer if the foreskin is never forcibly retracted)”

The list is shorter, and it’s rates lower than most on the first list. The rates have the potential to be lower of more people are properly educated on how to care for their intact sons.  Leave it alone! For more information on how to leave it alone,  go here.

I am always amused by the concept that the child should look like his father. He is a different person, he has half of his mothers DNA. Fathers, if your son is born with different hair or eye colour than you have do you take measures to alter it to match yours? No you say? That’s foolish? What do you mean? Shouldn’t he look just like you? Right down the end of his penis? OOhh that is foolish.

Yeah they look different. Do you know how different? Feel free to check it out here. Don’t be weird go ahead and look. You should know if you want all the information.

Let’s address the future now. Someday that baby will grow into a sexual being. And as much as we can say I don’t want to think about my kid that way, or why are you using your child’s future sex life as part of your argument, it is still a point to consider. First I would like to remind you that one “benefit” circumcision  is supposed to provide is a reduction if not complete halting of masturbation. If you think your child should not be exploring himself sexually at some point in his life to begin with then you have something else to deal with all together. For those of you that recognize it is a natural part of human development and sexuality, do you want to take that away from them? I know I know it doesn’t actually stop it, but people thought it would and that’s why they cut their kids. Studies have proven that an intact penis is more sensitive, want the stats? Go here.  Don’t want to read and try to make sense of all that? Their conclusion is this, “Circumcision ablates the most sensitive parts of the penis”.  Ablation basically means remove, “In medicine, ablation is the same as removal of a part of biological tissue, usually by surgery

There are a lot of products and marketing out there which suggest that men are seeking to increase the size of their penises, I’m thinking we’re not doing our boys any favours cutting some off.

Religion. There are several religions whose practices and rituals include circumcision. The one we tend to associate it with the most is the Jewish faith. I am obviously not telling people who to practice their faith. I Do offer this article though. There are options, and things can be done differently. A large number of the other religions and cultures who ritualistically perform circumcision do it later in life, often as a coming of age practice.

Circumcision is permanent. It cannot be undone. It can be done later in life though. And a man who wants or needs it can choose to do it. They can be sufficiently numbed or put under completely. They can be given meds to manage the pain following the procedure. They know what is happening to them. Studies have shown that neonates cannot be safely numbed to the point where they will not feel the pain of the crushing, tearing and slicing of the surgery. There is no NOW OR NEVER with circumcision. You don’t have to rush to it. The option will remain available in the future. Isn’t this best left as a “better safe than sorry” situation? Don’t take the risk and what is there to regret?

I have met, talked to, and read the stories of many mothers and fathers who regret their choice to have their son circumcised. I have heard stories of the procedure and complications which resulted in them having to bring their baby back to have it done again. Heard about how little information was offered by the pediatrician performing the surgery, and how they had to pay cash for it. One story that had a large impact on me was this one. It breaks my heart when I read, “To see a part of this baby’s penis being cut off – without an anesthetic – was devastating. But even more shocking was the doctor’s comment, barely audible several octaves below the piercing screams of the baby, “There’s no medical reason for doing this.” I couldn’t believe my ears, my knees became weak, and I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn’t believe that medical professionals, dedicated to helping and healing, could inflict such pain and anguish on innocent babies unnecessarily.”

You may have read this whole thing and clicked and read every link I sent you to and still feel that circumcision is the way to go. Perhaps from the perspective of a man you will hear what I am trying to say. Maybe knowing there are lots of people out there who feel and think the same way would help you to understand. Here are just a few of the Facebook groups who speak out against routine infant male circumcision.

Fathers Choosing Not To Circumcise 

Keeping Future Sons Intact

Boys Deserve Better

Intactivist Rex 

End  Routine Infant Circumcision

Please, even if you do no accept what I have shared with you as reality. Even if babies will in no way recall the pain of the procedure. Does that make it OK to put them through such agony? Would you cause your child any other harm feeling OK with it because they would forget?

If I have changed your mind. If you already feel the same way. If you disagree but think someone you know might benefit from the information. Share a piece of this post, a link to it, click Share or Like.

“Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”

                                                                                                                                                                                              – George Bernard Shaw

My Son

5 Jan

When I first started this I wrote a post about how Logan has changed me. In the post I said I would someday write a post all about him. Who he is as a person. I think about it all the time, but I can’t seem to pinpoint just who he is. He’s growing and changing all the time. Like we all do, and I don’t think I can accurately portray who he is in a post, I think if I tried I could never do him justice.

What I can do is try to describe some of his current qualities, how I see them. The world, I’m sure, sees him differently than I do. To me he is absolutely perfect.

Right now he is energetic and inquisitive. He loves to learn and is, for the most part, willing to explore. He still has reservations, which I like about him.

He is affectionate and considerate. He willingly apologizes when he’s made a mistake. In fact I believe he is genuinely saddened when he believes he has upset someone. Often repeating “I’m so sorry” while backing away from the spilled milk, the broken Christmas ornament , or his crying sister. He loves to share his love and is super cuddly.

He loves to laugh. He is very quick witted, and at times quick tempered. He will tell you what he thinks, and he will tell you when you’re wrong.

He loves his family and his friends. He loves to talk to them and about them. He loves to create stories and share them with an audience. He can be a bit of a ham.

He is learning and growing in leaps and bounds. Just when I think I have a handle on where he’s at in a flash he’s jumping into a new phase.

He is my boy. My light. My life. I love him more all the time. Am simultaneously excited and saddened at the thought of him growing up. And I am infinitely thankful that he is my son.

The Family We Get

9 Dec

All this planning to get together with family members, thinking about them, trying to decide on just the right gift, got me thinking. About family, about the clan we are born into and the expectations and rules that come with that.
There are a lot of assumptions built into family structures. For some reason somebody somewhere made some rules and most of us just follow them, unquestioning, because “it’s family”. I considered going on a rant here about all the stupid things I was and sometimes still am just expected to do in the name of family but I decided against this because my goal here is a touch more specific.
Right at this moment I want to talk about attachment. Something I feel I understand very clearly in one direction because of how much I love my kids. How I would go to the ends of the earth for them and never ever give them up for any reason. I don’t do it on purpose, I don’t feel this way because a parent is supposed to. These feelings came on their own. Bam! I had babies and my heart grew and emotions went into overdrive.
All these feelings of love and connection I have for them really makes me wonder. Is it different for other people? Obviously. Is it even more different for men. I think so. If you don’t know the child for as long, or don’t carry them within you is it easier to walk away? I expect so. If someone else you love and yearn to stay close too proposes that you can only be with them if you abandon your child, does that make it a decision you don’t even need to consider? Maybe. I suppose it depends on a whole host of factors.
These are some of the things that run through my mind when I go to the place in my mind that wonders about my dad.
I don’t think about it, or him, very much. I wasn’t that young girl pining for the father that was never there. I didn’t look at other girls with their fathers, the princess, daddy’s little girl, and envy them. If he had have been around for long enough for me to know him and then was gone I imagine I would have a harder time with it, but the reality is I just don’t know any different. I’ve never experienced that relationship so I simply don’t know what I’m missing, if anything.
When I see Scott with the babies. When I see him light up at the end of the day when they run squealing to him as he walks in the door. When I miss them while I’m getting groceries. When they get to a new milestone, or show little kid kindness, which is extra sweet. When I look back at how much they have changed in just a few short years. When I see how much being their father has changed Scott for the better. In observance of all of this I really struggle to comprehend how a father can know that his daughter is out there, growing and changing, and do nothing. Not call or visit. Does he wonder? That was a question I asked myself a lot. Does he even think about the one he left behind? How could he not? How do you have a child, meet them, know them for something like two years then vanish?
The conclusion I usually come to is that he is clearly not someone worth knowing anyway. If he can be so inconsiderate and detached why would I even bother caring? He chose not to know me, he didn’t give me a chance. What reason do I have to give him even a second thought? Dammit! Because now I have kids, and I love them and I cannot wrap my head around life without them.
This is where I go through that pro and con list in my head and try to weigh out how I should feel and perhaps even what I should do. On one hand he has never been a part of my life and going on with my life without any trace of him would really be no different. And what if I do reach out, put myself out there, maybe even meet him. What if he is wildly disappointing? What if meeting him is worse than the not knowing? What if he’s mean, what if he tells me he never wanted anything to do with me and is annoyed with me for wasting his time? Sounds pretty evil, but he’s kinda been doing just that for the past twenty some years. But wait! What if some day when he dies I think oh crap now I’ll never have my chance, more importantly, I never tried to make that chance happen for my kidlets. He is their grandfather, at some point they are going to be like hey daddy has a mommy and a daddy, why does mommy only have a mommy. They are going to ask me about him, and I am ok with being open and honest and explaining that sometimes not all of the character roles in our lives are filled. I want them to have it all though. I say that then I think wtf self?! How is a man who leaves his offspring a part of having it all? He is not. I don’t know how he doesn’t die inside when he realizes what amazing things he is missing out on. My kids are freaking awesome, and he’s not seeing that. The man is a Grandpa and he’s just like whatever. Well at this precise moment in time I say whatever guy who contributed half of my DNA. I would respect you more if all you were was a sperm donor.
I go back and forth on this a lot. I don’t know what will happen or where it will go.
I think when it comes down to it I do want to know him, but the him I want to know might not be the him he is. No matter what I expect to be disappointed to some extent and maybe once I can settle that with myself I will be able to make a choice. A choice that may be futile as all I can do is contact him, whether or not he agrees to talk to or see me is another disappointment trap all in itself.

Mad, Sad and Hopeful

26 Sep

This post has been edited. After re-reading it I recognized how hurtful some of my comments may have been. That was not my intention and I am very sorry to anyone who was hurt. I went off on a rant and didn’t consider other peoples feelings.

The other night I was lying in bed unable to sleep when I heard Logan wake up in his room and go into the kitchen to get himself a drink. He then came into our room and climbed into our bed and went back to sleep. The stirring woke Bella up a bit and I rolled over, got my shirt out of the way and she found the boob herself, nursed for a moment and was back into her deep sleep within minutes. So, in the middle of the night both of my kids woke up, had a drink and were back to sleep in less than 15 minutes and all I had to do was roll over.

Why in our society do we look down on things like nursing and co-sleeping? Ugh, just thinking that people do not 100% support it makes me angry! Why do people want their babies to grow up faster? To consume processed products? Bahh I’m so mad.

I will start with all the bystanders. Those people who’s children have grown up or, my favorite, the ones who have never had children. They hear something somewhere or are grossed out by the thought of a baby breastfeeding and feel that they then have the right to give dirty looks or even comment when a mother feeds her child. Shut up! You don’t know anything and you are incredibly rude and uneducated. And hey you nurses that tried to take my baby from me in the hospital because you weren’t comfortable with me falling asleep holding her back the frick off! The chemicals released after I had her and while I have been nursing her have primed my brain to respond to every move and noise she makes. I am not going to squish her. It’s not right that a new mother should have to fight to keep her baby in her arms. Don’t tell me she has been nursing for too long! She has just been through a very traumatic experience being born and if she wants to nurse constantly that is perfect. I know that you know the best thing for baby is to be close to Mommy with as few interruptions as possible so why are you fighting me? Shame!

Fathers, the ones who complain about the baby in the bed or how all of Moms time is taken up by the nursing baby, grow up! That baby and Mommy are getting more sleep because they are together, and them getting more sleep means they will be happier, we all know that a happy baby makes for a happy Mommy and a happy Mommy makes your life a heck of a lot easier. You should be doing everything you can to help in every way you can think of. Then go online and look up more ways to help. We all know you don’t really know what needs to be done.
All you Daddys who are trying your best, getting involved and loving your babies (my hubby included) Thank You! I imagine it can be hard on you when baby is so little and Mom is the primary care giver so good on you for trying! Keep it up! Logan and Bella are madly in love with their Daddy and that has a lot to do with how much he shows them his love.

I understand the struggle it can be to successfully breastfeed. It can be incredibly painful, and lots of resources will tell you it should not be uncomfortable at all and you assume you are doing something wrong and it’s hard to want to continue. It does get better, easier and it really is natural and you and your baby will figure it out. You will learn together.

There is so much “information” out there saying negative things about breastfeeding. Formula companies advertise everywhere and there are so many bottles on the market you feel like having a baby means you should own bottles. There’s a very good chance that someone is going to tell you that sleeping with your child in your bed is bad. Those people have put absolutely no thought into the fact that we are one of the few societies where young children have their own bed at all. Or that our ancestors lived in homes that simply did not include multiple bedrooms, families slept together. Just because it costs more does not make it better. Breastfeeding first started getting it’s negative attention when only women with less money were doing it, the rich ones used bottles because they could afford to buy them and it became the poor woman’s way to feed her child. Why being free, always available and the most healthy option is a bad thing escapes me completely.

Listen hear ‘modern’ society and all you judgey people our babies need our love, cuddles and snuggles. They need to be close to the people who love them as much as possible and they need the food their Mom’s body makes for them so stop saying or even insinuating otherwise. Mothers have a hard enough time learning about their babies and trying to do the best thing for them without all of the conflicting advice out there.

All you Mommas who are trying to find your way through raising your baby hold on to what you believe and don’t be afraid to fight for what you know is right for your child. Hopefully someday the people around us will snap out of their judgmental, uninformed frame of mind and we will all receive the the support we deserve for loving our babies without bending to the people who tell us we are doing it wrong.

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