7 May

At some point I will probably write all about my amazing son and who he is. I think there is more to say than I know how to express on that one, and his personality and intelligence is growing and changing everyday so to write something about that would become inaccurate moments after it was written.

Here I am planning to write about how he has changed me.

While I was pregnant I was nervous like all (most) moms and knew or expected that having a baby would change my life. I mean, it’s obvious, they take over everything. I don’t think I was aware of just how much of everything that really is, but I had some awareness that my life would not be the same. Foolishly on my part I was planning on having him and getting back out to the bars to go dancing with my girlfriends hours, or maybe days, later. HA! So I was wrong on that one. What I learned is this, yes having a child changes your life. They need everything from you, and just the lack of personal time means your life is flipped over. More importantly, and much more interestingly, he changed ME. My values, my perspective, my emotional state, my outlook on people, the world and life as a whole. He flipped me right side up. Turns out I had been living upside down. All I cared about was me, how to make myself happy and what to do next with my time, my attention and my money( ha again since I had SO much money). Then he showed up and suddenly I was a mommy lioness crouching over her baby snarling and clawing at anyone or anything that approached. I’m serious, I’m not exaggerating, I had several visions of myself as a lion because all I wanted to do was hover over him and not let anyone near him. I didn’t know I was so protective, and this little man brought out my not so pretty extremely possessive and controlling traits as well.

So there I was mommy to a new baby, truly very unsure of what lay ahead and feeling very unsteady on these new never before used mom legs. But would I let ANYONE know that I felt that way? Are you kidding? I can do anything. In fact to prove I can do anything I pushed everyone away. Just a phone call from a doting grandparent or concerned other relative sent anger burning through my veins. Scott (daddy lion) was the only person who could safely approach. Alright, so in retrospect perhaps I overreacted just a smidge ( yes you may laugh). I was scared, and my defense mechanism is, well, to be defensive.

So that’s the beginning, well the first year or so. I’m a tad stubborn and I had made my no one can come near my baby, ever, for any reason bed and I was going to lay in it, dammit. But I learned, very slowly to let go in little bits here and there of my insane controlling and possessive ways. I’m still very much that way, but if you saw me then versus now you would see a great improvement I’m sure. Well, I’m fairly confident you would see some sort of positive change.

Anyway what I really wanted to get to is the good stuff that Logan brought into my world. Guess what? I’m very patient! Was I before, um NO. Could I wait for anything? Not really, all about instant gratification and immediately irritated when someone took longer to do something than I thought they should. And now there is the peace floating around me that allows me to wait and watch and see what happens with next without trying to move things along. It’s kind of nice.

I love to celebrate, no not get hammered and teeter around blabbering on about how awesome something is. Get excited about, and maybe do a little dance, when something good happens. Example? Logan started using the toilet. OMG Yes! How excited was I? We did several dances over the course of several days, we sang we laughed we clapped we jumped up and down. Because it was awesome! As if my little baby man can do this big person thing all on his own? Seriously? What better reason is there to celebrate!?

I cry over everything. This is a good thing. My emotions are so much closer to the surface now. I can really feel. I don’t really know what else to say on this one. You get it right? Sure you do.

I have a much greater appreciation for other peoples life stories and the hardships they encounter. I learned to actually BE empathetic, I understood what it meant before but I wasn’t really applying it to my interactions.

I love my husband so much more. I loved Scott to begin with, I mean I married the guy. Obviously I had some sense that he was like important to me or something…I’m laughing here not being (insert negative word). In learning to appreciate his life and who he is, in being empathetic and with my emotions at a level where I could detect their existence on a regular basis I LOVE him. I wasn’t the most emotionally available person before in case that’s not already obvious. I was pretty closed off, and I still can be, it’s an on going learning process. I can say with certainty on this one though I am in a much more positive place now compared to where I was before Logan. I have learned that making myself vulnerable is a good thing, letting my soft side show isn’t as terrifying as I had assumed. I”m not sure why I had assumed it was so dangerous to being with. OK. That’s a lie I do know why I was so closed off but that is a whole other post that I don’t even know I will write .

So, in short, my gorgeous, amazing, and wonderful son taught me how to be a genuine, caring and affectionate human being. And all he did was breathe. Pretty effing amazing eh? Yeah, that’s Logan.


One Response to “Logan”

  1. B Shag May 7, 2011 at 1:25 pm #

    🙂 We are more alike than you think. BUT…. I still have no patience. Shaughnessy thing. 😉

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